DOOMED TO FIRE

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Kindred has a very theatrical mastery of our language. The things that come out of her mouth are not quite what you expect to hear from a 4 year old. This morning, she announced that her throat felt doomed to fire. I took a peek and then felt some swelling in her lymph nodes, so off to the nurse practitioner we went. She was positive for strep so after some good ole' Western meds in the form of antibiotics, she will be back to her usual quirky little self.

In the meantime, send some good energy her way. Thanks, friends!

🙌

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Bella & Clem

Monday, October 08, 2018

We almost lost Bella a few weeks ago. She got very sick after eating some food that she should not have had. We were able to bring her back from the brink, but about 24 hours were pretty sketchy about survival odds. In the end, Pepto Bismol and puppy formula saved her life.

These girls have been a handful since they had their falling out in Georgia. They can't be in the same room, or they fight. Like, it's brutal. I have seen Clem hop from the top of a gated doorway and land on Bella's head and I have seen Bella literally bodyslam Clementine without even fully understanding how it was possible. Add in that, at their old ages of 13 & 12, they have both began to struggle with hitting a puppy pad or not peeing in their sleep. I feel like a good chunk of my day is spent on maintaining canine homeostasis.


But, seeing them suffer was the absolute worst. I know that someday they will be gone from us and I'll walk by a spot of sunshine on my floor and wish that Clementine would be laying in it, sunning herself. Or, someone will knock on the door and Bella won't be here to alert us with her barking. I miss the easy days of leashing them together and walking around the neighborhood or finding them curled up together in their bed. Their feud is ridiculous (over a male!) but we can't exactly sit them down and explain it to them. So, I will just continue reminding myself how much I love them every time something annoying happens and I'll count my blessings that we were loved (Berg, by Bella and me, by Clem) very much by two very small creatures who shared many chapters in our story.

Reunited!

Monday, October 01, 2018

All attempts to get Nova to drop out of school and come hang with us again have been unsuccessful, but we did get almost two weeks of fall break so we had a great time! There were sleepovers and smoothies, scarecrow trails and pumpkins, thrifting and playing dress-up. The girls loved being back together and it was so good to hear them playing again. A nasty cough kept Naiya from being able to come visit but we know that those days will be behind us soon and all three will be joining in on the fun!




I can't look at them sleeping without feeling like my heart is just gonna burst right out of my chest. You are so loved, girls. Every single one of you.

Uncle B

Sunday, September 30, 2018



He has the gentlest heart. Truly.

Berg has stepped up his uncle game considerably since Naiya's father moved out of state a few months ago. He buys her treats like he does Kindred and he wants to spend time with her so that she remains strong and protected. I've unpacked a lot of baggage about how growing up without my dad affected my development, but the science is pretty clear that it does make a lasting difference. So, Berg wants to be sure Naiya grows up surrounded by men who share in the father role to fill in the space left by her father's absence.

There are too many things I could say about what my sister has been through over the past year, but it is her story to tell. True to her Piscean nature, she may never tell it to others, but she has navigated her way through much heartbreak. I am so proud of her for seeking higher ground. Real love does not wound us.





Integration

Sunday, September 23, 2018
marie laveau's * new orleans

A few weeks ago, my nurse practitioner had just delivered the news that my HIDA scan results showed a fully functioning gallbladder. I've recently been having some gastric distress so we were attempting to rule out the most likely culprit based on my particular demographic.

But then, something seemingly out of place...

"And, remember, your blood work is great. Your liver enzymes are exactly what they should be."

Have you ever watched an animal sense the possibility of danger? They interrupt their task at hand and get perfectly still. You see their ears move as they tune into a frequency we are not privy to as human beings. Suddenly, a decision is made and either they bolt for safer ground or go back to whatever it is they were doing.

And this is what happened to me in that moment. I stilled. My ears moved. I caught the frequency.

"But, they did see something on your liver."

Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. I beg you. Don't say it.

"It's called a hemangioma..."

In a split second, my brain boots up a medical terminology class from about two decades ago.
Oma...mass, tumor.
I feel cold rush over my body and I know I need safer ground.

"...which is a benign..."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

"...mass or possibly even a tangle of blood vessels you were born with. We were not looking for this based on your symptoms and most hemangiomas are discovered that way. We will just need to keep an eye on your blood work and repeat the scan in a few months to check for any changes, if there are none, you were probably just born with it. If there are, you'll need to see a specialist to determine what to do next."

I am not saying this for dramatic flair...but it was another pivotal moment in my life. The fragmented parts of who I have always been integrated in those proceeding moments. I felt myself settle deeper into this body. I vowed to inhabit it more mindfully than I have in the past. I will most likely always be half-love & light and half-burn it all down...a true Gemini Rising/Sagittarius Sun. What I have been guilty of in the past is judging whatever half I didn't happen to identify with at the moment. If I was rooted in love & light, I was frustrated by my quick temper, my judgments, my sharp tongue. I would wonder why I couldn't be as calm or enlightened as I wished to be. It often felt fraudulent. And, if I was tuned into the Kali Ma energy, I would call myself a fool for believing in the ultimate goodness of humanity. I was disconnected, angry, afraid. Life often felt unsafe with a daughter who didn't get to grow up and a niece who is sick. Seeing suffering in children only compounds the pain and anxiety of living in a world mirroring the myth of the burning phoenix.

Depending on where my head is, my life has either been beautiful with intense lessons that have grown me spiritually, or my life has been beautiful but incredibly painful more times than is my fair share and I want answers about why that is exactly and some wrongs to be righted immediately. Said in my best, "I'd like to speak to your manager!" voice.

As we head into Libra season, which is all about balance, and 11:11 is once again asking for my attention, it seems like this was all fated to happen right now. It is up to me to be the change I want to see in my world. So that is what I am doing. Recently, I have purged old belongings, old thought patterns, and old belief systems that felt like dead weight. I have replaced them with new habits that encourage growth. I have been studying my genealogy in an effort to understand what my cells remember that my brain can't recall. My maternal great-grandmother lost two children as infants/toddlers and later died of liver cancer. So, I am thinking of this hemangioma as possible ancestral trauma that needs to be healed. I am processing what I've learned about my father's heritage and the revelation that on the Hamilton Co Tn 1860 census, three generations of women who birthed the babies who led to me, were all listed as 'mulatto' in their shared household. They were native american and most likely melungeon (Goins surname). I am reviewing my childhood and thinking of how at home I felt in the woods spending summer days exploring the land. How water was so cold right out of the spring and blackberries were sweetest growing wild. Just like me. I am thinking of Katy Owl, my 7x-great-grandmother, born on the Cherokee reservation and wondering who she was. I am thinking of how organized religion has never appealed to me, except in extremely short spans of time, but I have seen magic with my own eyes in the cycles of the seasons and life. I am thinking about this herbal healing path I have been walking for several years and now that I have a good smattering of knowledge about nutrition, herbs, essential oils, etc., I should narrow my focus and really dig into my purpose here...

So, for me, these next few months I will keep my ear to the ground and watch for signs from the mystical.

11:11

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

...it's baaaaack.

A couple of years ago, when I was working with a young man who has autism, 11:11 showed up and literally stalked me so much that I researched what it meant. I saw it entirely too often for it to be random. Gathered research has led me to believe that it is a message from the Universe/Spirit Guides letting you know that you are on the right path and manifestation is supercharged so be aware of your thoughts and be open to finding your life's purpose. Once I decided to go back into healthcare and (hopefully) pursue a nursing degree, 11:11 faded away. But, in the past two weeks it has come back with a vengeance and brought back reinforcements. I can hardly look at a clock without seeing it or 1:11, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55. Over the past week, $11.11 has been my total twice.

I am trying to be aware of anything that could be a guidepost during this time. I have been thinking of going into psychiatric nursing (with a holistic slant, obvsly) for a little while. But, the past couple of weeks, research about the use of psychedelics in treating PTSD, end of life anxiety for hospice patients, severe anxiety & depression, addiction recovery, even for quitting smoking, keeps just dropping into my lap...from several totally unconnected sources. So, I am just exploring if this is something I am supposed to be pursuing.

What a wild Universe we live in. It's all energy, baby.