Integration

Sunday, September 23, 2018
marie laveau's * new orleans

A few weeks ago, my nurse practitioner had just delivered the news that my HIDA scan results showed a fully functioning gallbladder. I've recently been having some gastric distress so we were attempting to rule out the most likely culprit based on my particular demographic.

But then, something seemingly out of place...

"And, remember, your blood work is great. Your liver enzymes are exactly what they should be."

Have you ever watched an animal sense the possibility of danger? They interrupt their task at hand and get perfectly still. You see their ears move as they tune into a frequency we are not privy to as human beings. Suddenly, a decision is made and either they bolt for safer ground or go back to whatever it is they were doing.

And this is what happened to me in that moment. I stilled. My ears moved. I caught the frequency.

"But, they did see something on your liver."

Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. I beg you. Don't say it.

"It's called a hemangioma..."

In a split second, my brain boots up a medical terminology class from about two decades ago.
Oma...mass, tumor.
I feel cold rush over my body and I know I need safer ground.

"...which is a benign..."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

"...mass or possibly even a tangle of blood vessels you were born with. We were not looking for this based on your symptoms and most hemangiomas are discovered that way. We will just need to keep an eye on your blood work and repeat the scan in a few months to check for any changes, if there are none, you were probably just born with it. If there are, you'll need to see a specialist to determine what to do next."

I am not saying this for dramatic flair...but it was another pivotal moment in my life. The fragmented parts of who I have always been integrated in those proceeding moments. I felt myself settle deeper into this body. I vowed to inhabit it more mindfully than I have in the past. I will most likely always be half-love & light and half-burn it all down...a true Gemini Rising/Sagittarius Sun. What I have been guilty of in the past is judging whatever half I didn't happen to identify with at the moment. If I was rooted in love & light, I was frustrated by my quick temper, my judgments, my sharp tongue. I would wonder why I couldn't be as calm or enlightened as I wished to be. It often felt fraudulent. And, if I was tuned into the Kali Ma energy, I would call myself a fool for believing in the ultimate goodness of humanity. I was disconnected, angry, afraid. Life often felt unsafe with a daughter who didn't get to grow up and a niece who is sick. Seeing suffering in children only compounds the pain and anxiety of living in a world mirroring the myth of the burning phoenix.

Depending on where my head is, my life has either been beautiful with intense lessons that have grown me spiritually, or my life has been beautiful but incredibly painful more times than is my fair share and I want answers about why that is exactly and some wrongs to be righted immediately. Said in my best, "I'd like to speak to your manager!" voice.

As we head into Libra season, which is all about balance, and 11:11 is once again asking for my attention, it seems like this was all fated to happen right now. It is up to me to be the change I want to see in my world. So that is what I am doing. Recently, I have purged old belongings, old thought patterns, and old belief systems that felt like dead weight. I have replaced them with new habits that encourage growth. I have been studying my genealogy in an effort to understand what my cells remember that my brain can't recall. My maternal great-grandmother lost two children as infants/toddlers and later died of liver cancer. So, I am thinking of this hemangioma as possible ancestral trauma that needs to be healed. I am processing what I've learned about my father's heritage and the revelation that on the Hamilton Co Tn 1860 census, three generations of women who birthed the babies who led to me, were all listed as 'mulatto' in their shared household. They were native american and most likely melungeon (Goins surname). I am reviewing my childhood and thinking of how at home I felt in the woods spending summer days exploring the land. How water was so cold right out of the spring and blackberries were sweetest growing wild. Just like me. I am thinking of Katy Owl, my 7x-great-grandmother, born on the Cherokee reservation and wondering who she was. I am thinking of how organized religion has never appealed to me, except in extremely short spans of time, but I have seen magic with my own eyes in the cycles of the seasons and life. I am thinking about this herbal healing path I have been walking for several years and now that I have a good smattering of knowledge about nutrition, herbs, essential oils, etc., I should narrow my focus and really dig into my purpose here...

So, for me, these next few months I will keep my ear to the ground and watch for signs from the mystical.

11:11

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

...it's baaaaack.

A couple of years ago, when I was working with a young man who has autism, 11:11 showed up and literally stalked me so much that I researched what it meant. I saw it entirely too often for it to be random. Gathered research has led me to believe that it is a message from the Universe/Spirit Guides letting you know that you are on the right path and manifestation is supercharged so be aware of your thoughts and be open to finding your life's purpose. Once I decided to go back into healthcare and (hopefully) pursue a nursing degree, 11:11 faded away. But, in the past two weeks it has come back with a vengeance and brought back reinforcements. I can hardly look at a clock without seeing it or 1:11, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55. Over the past week, $11.11 has been my total twice.

I am trying to be aware of anything that could be a guidepost during this time. I have been thinking of going into psychiatric nursing (with a holistic slant, obvsly) for a little while. But, the past couple of weeks, research about the use of psychedelics in treating PTSD, end of life anxiety for hospice patients, severe anxiety & depression, addiction recovery, even for quitting smoking, keeps just dropping into my lap...from several totally unconnected sources. So, I am just exploring if this is something I am supposed to be pursuing.

What a wild Universe we live in. It's all energy, baby.

Rosita the Survivor

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Kindred insisted we rescue this rosebush from the Clearance section of the garden center at Wal-mart. It was in bad shape when we brought it home, but things got worse when beetles ate almost every single leaf on it and the 'Full Sun' it says it needs vs the 'Scorching Hot Full Sun' of my backyard almost cooked it. As a last ditch effort to save it, I moved it to right outside my spare room window where I can see it from my desk. A few days ago, I was surprised and elated to discover three blooms on it! I hope she survives the winter and comes back to us next Spring!

Mr. Breeze

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Wishing a happy birthday to my dad, Billy. I never knew how much we had in common until the past couple of years. I'm so grateful to have had the chance to find out.



These Two

Friday, September 14, 2018

...have my heart. I am grateful for this body that carried them safely to me. I am one lucky mama.

Spunk

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

...you've got lots of it, kiddo.

Almost Famous

Friday, September 07, 2018

Thrift store shopping with Kindred means you may wind up looking like Penny Lane or another 70s icon. And, that is okay with me, but this one was a little much. However, a couple days later I thought about how it would look great with a unicorn mask at a Halloween party...so maybe we should go see if it's still there. Haha!

***Kindred now accepting a limited number of clients for personal styling***

Girls Day Out

Wednesday, September 05, 2018

We have been having some fun doing a little fall wardrobe shopping. I'm buying all the typical bohemian-Stevie Nick's witchy-hippie mama type tops & dresses I can pair with leggings and boots. Kindred is buying Halloween royal dresses with no intention of wearing them for Halloween. She's just wearing them when she wants. And, that's just fine with me! I love this time in our lives!

Cat Elvis

Monday, September 03, 2018

"Well since meow baby left me, I've found a new place to dwell...
it's down at the end of Lonely St at the Heartbreak Hotel." 

Masticating Juicers

Saturday, September 01, 2018

...are where it's at, people.

I am getting the driest pulp, increased juice yield, and clean-up is a breeze compared to my old centrifugal models! For my green juice: I do 1-2 cucumbers, several celery stalks, a big broccoli stem, 1 inch of ginger, kale, and a pear. I add in beetroot juice and aloe vera juice that I have already. Is it super tasty? No. But, is it alkalizing and good for my body? Yes. For Kindred's daily juice, I start with a glass half-filled with prune juice because poopin' is always an issue for her. Then, I juice half a carrot, an apple, and a pear. Hers is quite tasty!!