Integration

Sunday, September 23, 2018
marie laveau's * new orleans

A few weeks ago, my nurse practitioner had just delivered the news that my HIDA scan results showed a fully functioning gallbladder. I've recently been having some gastric distress so we were attempting to rule out the most likely culprit based on my particular demographic.

But then, something seemingly out of place...

"And, remember, your blood work is great. Your liver enzymes are exactly what they should be."

Have you ever watched an animal sense the possibility of danger? They interrupt their task at hand and get perfectly still. You see their ears move as they tune into a frequency we are not privy to as human beings. Suddenly, a decision is made and either they bolt for safer ground or go back to whatever it is they were doing.

And this is what happened to me in that moment. I stilled. My ears moved. I caught the frequency.

"But, they did see something on your liver."

Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. I beg you. Don't say it.

"It's called a hemangioma..."

In a split second, my brain boots up a medical terminology class from about two decades ago.
Oma...mass, tumor.
I feel cold rush over my body and I know I need safer ground.

"...which is a benign..."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

"...mass or possibly even a tangle of blood vessels you were born with. We were not looking for this based on your symptoms and most hemangiomas are discovered that way. We will just need to keep an eye on your blood work and repeat the scan in a few months to check for any changes, if there are none, you were probably just born with it. If there are, you'll need to see a specialist to determine what to do next."

I am not saying this for dramatic flair...but it was another pivotal moment in my life. The fragmented parts of who I have always been integrated in those proceeding moments. I felt myself settle deeper into this body. I vowed to inhabit it more mindfully than I have in the past. I will most likely always be half-love & light and half-burn it all down...a true Gemini Rising/Sagittarius Sun. What I have been guilty of in the past is judging whatever half I didn't happen to identify with at the moment. If I was rooted in love & light, I was frustrated by my quick temper, my judgments, my sharp tongue. I would wonder why I couldn't be as calm or enlightened as I wished to be. It often felt fraudulent. And, if I was tuned into the Kali Ma energy, I would call myself a fool for believing in the ultimate goodness of humanity. I was disconnected, angry, afraid. Life often felt unsafe with a daughter who didn't get to grow up and a niece who is sick. Seeing suffering in children only compounds the pain and anxiety of living in a world mirroring the myth of the burning phoenix.

Depending on where my head is, my life has either been beautiful with intense lessons that have grown me spiritually, or my life has been beautiful but incredibly painful more times than is my fair share and I want answers about why that is exactly and some wrongs to be righted immediately. Said in my best, "I'd like to speak to your manager!" voice.

As we head into Libra season, which is all about balance, and 11:11 is once again asking for my attention, it seems like this was all fated to happen right now. It is up to me to be the change I want to see in my world. So that is what I am doing. Recently, I have purged old belongings, old thought patterns, and old belief systems that felt like dead weight. I have replaced them with new habits that encourage growth. I have been studying my genealogy in an effort to understand what my cells remember that my brain can't recall. My maternal great-grandmother lost two children as infants/toddlers and later died of liver cancer. So, I am thinking of this hemangioma as possible ancestral trauma that needs to be healed. I am processing what I've learned about my father's heritage and the revelation that on the Hamilton Co Tn 1860 census, three generations of women who birthed the babies who led to me, were all listed as 'mulatto' in their shared household. They were native american and most likely melungeon (Goins surname). I am reviewing my childhood and thinking of how at home I felt in the woods spending summer days exploring the land. How water was so cold right out of the spring and blackberries were sweetest growing wild. Just like me. I am thinking of Katy Owl, my 7x-great-grandmother, born on the Cherokee reservation and wondering who she was. I am thinking of how organized religion has never appealed to me, except in extremely short spans of time, but I have seen magic with my own eyes in the cycles of the seasons and life. I am thinking about this herbal healing path I have been walking for several years and now that I have a good smattering of knowledge about nutrition, herbs, essential oils, etc., I should narrow my focus and really dig into my purpose here...

So, for me, these next few months I will keep my ear to the ground and watch for signs from the mystical.
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